missing in plain sight...

Tonight while talking with my best friend, he told me something new about me. This does not happen very often. We speak frequently and have weathered some crazy over the past 5 years. He is the person who knows me better than anyone and the person that I can tell anything (and frequently do, at least a couple times).

We were talking about the time immediately following my Dad's death and the interaction that we had at that time in our friendship. At one point in the conversation, he said that he would leave my house with a sense that he missed me. He did not miss the physical person that he had just held and had been snotted upon by, but, he missed the Amanda that he knew until July 27, 2008. The Amanda that laughed and made sense.

This was a bittersweet thing to hear. I am sad that I became a person that was unrecognizable to those most familiar to me and sad that I was such a mess for so long. I am sad that my Dad is not here and that I am still working through what that looks like. The good that I gleaned from this conversation is that I have returned from this place, not the same person, but, someone who is fun to be around and who is stronger for the next challenge. I also realized that I am a blessed person to have friends who had to "miss" me and adjust to a new version, but, who still showed up.

why i love to live here...

If I had posted a weather commentary last week at this time, it would have been laced with words that can only appear once in a PG-13 movie. I was *way* tired of the rain and cold weather that I returned to after my wonderful time at the beach. The universe did not need another Oregonian moaning about how awful the weather was.

I will now sing the praises of the amazing weather that God has bestowed on the Pacific Northwest. This week I was able to take in a sunset on a cool, humidity and mosquito free evening, take several walks out in the sunshine and spend an evening throwing a frisbee and a football in my bare, newly pedicured feet. I am pretty darn contented with my home...

As the warmer days continue and the mercury rises in the thermometers, I hope that I can return to this place of wonder and that the perma-grin stays around for the entire summer.

becoming that girl...

I have a big issue with commitment. The only thing that I have been committed to (besides my family) for an extended amount of time is my car. We have had 12 wonderful years together and I do hope that we continue in this amazing relationship. Cars are easy to have a relationship with; maintaining them usually only entails a 3,000 mile check in and they are contented to not be driven for days/weeks at a time. This is the type of relationship I seek: one that I can control and drive in whatever direction I decide.

I have, with much fear and trepidation, crossed over to the dating side. It is quite a shock for me to arrange my schedule with someone else in mind, to keep my house clean at all times and to make plans to go out and explore Portland several times a week. Though shocked, I am really enjoying myself and am working to keep the giddy out of my everyday conversation...

I have, much to my bff's delight, become that girl. I have become the person I make fun of who is constantly smiling, listening to love songs and is in a constant state of "awww." I want everyone to enjoy this as I have enjoyed making fun of all those around me who have been in this state. I only hope that I can maintain clarity of thought whilst enjoying this new adventure.

times they are a changing...

When I headed out on a crazy beach adventure 12 days ago, I had no idea the life changes that awaited me. I was merely concerned with the 36 family members I would be sharing a beach with and the mass chaos that had to occur. I was not completely off base with the chaos expectation (I had never heard a host call out "party of 29" before), but, we all survived the week and had a great time.

I also was looking forward to my time in Chattanooga with a little bit of hesitation. I know what it is like to be in the early stages of grief and loss and was unsure of how my dear friend would be doing. That hesitation was quickly replaced with excitement to see and catch up with one of my favorite people and to bring an understanding to her feelings and experience.

The end of my trip brought about the reality that I will be applying to and hopefully starting graduate school at Portland State University in the fall. I am excited to have a more immediate goal to work on and to learn how to help people (I am thinking a Master's Degree in Social Work or Counseling) as my career. I know this will not be an easy adventure, but, I am excited to start it.

To sum up, the last 12 days have reminded me that my life is blessed, my job on this earth is to help others as best I can and that 36 Italians create one remarkable trip :)

this thing called life...

Again this week, I have been reminded that the only thing we should expect is the unexpected. I have spent time with someone I love who is beginning to walk through life without her little sister and roommate. She stills waits for the door to open and for all this to be a huge understanding...

While spending time with her, I got news of another friend who lost his mother suddenly and we then spent the evening alternating sighs and trying to reconcile this thing called life. I know that people die every day and that it is the Circle of Life, but, facing these tragedies really takes me back to those first days when I did not know my own name but made decisions that will last a lifetime. The days when I could not remember my PIN number or if I had eaten. The days when I picked up my phone numerous times to call my dad only to find his number out of my contact list.

I know that we are all placed here in a definite order, that we meet people because their experience will enrich our lives or make us grow or we can add to their lives with what we have done. This makes me feel a bit better when I can reach out with a visit or a dessert to distract the unbearable and I can tell someone that they will survive, at least for today.

pardon me boys...

I have spent 9 years of my life (4 in college and 5 after) in Chattanooga, TN. My time here yielded vast perspective on who I am as a person, my closest friends (some still here, some elsewhere) and the knowledge that I, like Eva Gabor in Green Acres, prefer the city to the country. All of these things could not change the fact that 3 years ago I was done with living here. Done. I had never been so glad to see a city in my rear-view mirror.

The three years I have been gone have seen my reality forever changed as well as my future plans shaken free of my expectations and ideas. It has also softened my heart for Chattanooga. I loved driving in yesterday and seeing the city framed by Signal and Lookout Mountains'. I enjoyed walking and talking with an old friend for hours and discovering midday that we have know each other for a third of our 30 year old lives. I was relieved to finally get to share an evening (and ice cream) with a friend who has been facing one of the most horrible tragedies I have ever experienced first hand.

Chattanooga, I am sorry I left in such a huff. I do love all that you have to offer and I will be back more often to visit.