sad birthday, to me...

Today is November 28th. I really hate seeing that date. When I worked at Starbucks, I had to right the date about a million times a day. I wrote it on temperature logs, cash logs and on duty rosters. I never forgot what the date was for very long. The unemployed times allow for me to forget the date more frequently (unless it is attached to a bill being due) and sometimes I go for awhile not really acknowledging a specific one.

Today would have been my dad's 51st birthday. It is weird that it is such a hard day for me because I had not spent his birthday with him in so many years. Usually this day would result in a call to wish him a happy birthday and then a trip home to make his favorite spaghetti and meatballs in the next week or so. That 15 minute phone call would have been a small part of my day, but not being able to make it creates a day that has been extremely hard for me.

I was watching "Cougar Town" last night and one of the characters made reference that you could not be sad about a parent's death after a 6 month window. I am apparently breaking the rules. I am so thankful that the people in my life do not impose such deadlines, and, I am thankful that one of them is on his way over right now.

Happy Birthday, Daddy. I love you.

the question of tradition...

Thanksgiving is probably the most "traditional" day of the year. People eat the same foods, watch the same teams play football and usually see the same people. I had the pleasure of a holiday where the only thing that was traditional was the turkey (which was the best I have ever tasted.)

I spent the day with old friends, friends I met for the first time and in a home that has become very comfortable to spend time in. My only sadness is that the amazing hosts of the meal will be returning to live in the southeast.

This week reminds me that I should be happy for now, look forward to what might be in store for me and that life is ever changing. People are in your lives for specific times and specific reasons. Enjoy them while you can.

i am feeling woozy...

Today I had the privilege of spending time with some of the youngest of my friends/their children. It was a fun and amazingly sunny day that included coffee, breakfast, playtime, and carrying a (not so small child) home from a park injury. I learned some things about myself, though.

*Not only is white not to be worn after Labor Day, but, it is a poor choice to wear to a Portland playground that is always going to be soggy. Mud smears never say polished and put together.

*There is a reason that there are no adult sized merry go rounds to be used as amusement. I was being spun by a 2 year old and was so dizzy I contemplated how embarrassing it would be to get sick in public.

*My shoulder will need months of strengthening before I can ever carry a child around full time.

*Kids are fun. The most fun when their parents are ready to take them back when I am ready :)

*I love Portland in the fall (and, especially, when it is not raining)

not quite an "old soul"...

I know that people are sometimes deemed to have an "old soul" and was wondering what the age of my soul might be. My physical person will be turning 30 in a couple weeks and this event causes one to evaluate how the rest stacks up...

I think I look a little bit younger than my near 30 years (I am still carded for alcohol about 75% of the time) and receive feedback that I look like I am 25. This used to frustrate me, but, I think I am about to reach the point in my life where I am ok with that misunderstanding.

I also tend to have the interests and loves of a pre-teen. This can be proven by my viewing of New Moon a mere 3 days after it opened and the constant appearance of Taylor Swift on my playlists. I do not apologize for these interests, though maybe I should, and I think that they may keep me a bit young. At this point I do what I can.

mmm, what you say (part 2)...

For my follow up piece, I consulted with a close friend and co-griever on what was helpful to hear in our time of loss. She was very specific on how we should not dwell on the bad things we heard but should pass on anything that may be helpful. Here are some of the things we thought of.

*I do not know what to say. Completely valid. Your being honest about how totally shocked and ill prepared for this situation only validates us feeling the same way.

*I cannot imagine how you are feeling. I would not want you to feel this way and I hope that you never have an idea how incredibly painful this is. I do, however, appreciate that you did not manufacture an empathy that is not there.

*I remember (insert happy/sad/silly/insignificant memory). Hearing stories we have never heard or just reliving good times is a great distraction and makes us recall happy times.

*However you feel right now is the right way. You never know what emotion might hit you in the face and it is a relief to know that those around you will be accepting of you, regardless.

*I miss them, too. I was always afraid to bring up the fact that someone had died until I was faced with it on a daily basis. Bringing up the death is not a reminder (we always know they are gone) and showing that you loved and miss them just makes it more ok that we do, too.

I am sure of two things. 1)There are several more that could be added (feel free to comment them if you feel strongly), and, 2)Everyone is helped by different things (my disclaimer in case these are offensive).

I feel such thanks and love for the people in my life who have and who continue to reach out to me in times of need or in times of fun (and settler's defeat).

mmm, what you say...

Mmm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.

First of all, I actually liked the Imogen Heap version of this song before it was so sadly mixed into a song that I hate, but, that is a rant for another day...

The real purpose of writing today is to get out frustrations while (hopefully) helping others. I was having a conversation with a friend who had recently experienced a unexpected death. We were commiserating about the "script" that people read off of when something like this happens. In response to that conversation, I would like to post a list of things not to say to people who are mourning the death of a loved one. I unfortunately cannot provide the right words, but, I will put some options that have helped me in the next post.

*I'm sorry is usually understood. We do not assume that you would be talking to us if you were excited about the tragic events. (this is the less offensive of the following phrases, so, if you need a fallback...)

*I understand how you must be feeling. First of all, in all my experiences, I have met no one who feels the same way when they lose someone. The "must" in this sentence is also an issue because it seems to say that we are required to feel a certain way. It is enough to grapple with that much emotion without having to select the right one.

*Your (insert loved one) would want/feel (insert comment). We are missing this person so much. We worry that we have let them down at some point. Please do not make us wonder, even more so, if we are letting them down in the afterlife.

*You should be rejoicing. Please leave this to Annelle in Steel Magnolias. At least that response warranted a Golden Globe nomination for Sally Field.

*It will get better. I am sure that I will feel better at some point, but my family member/friend will still be gone. That is not changing. Ever.

I can admit to using all of these statements and, will probably, say them yet again because they seem to be the programmed response, but I will be upset with myself. I do really appreciate the love that people have shown to me over the past couple of years and am not pointing these things out to show shortcomings. I want people to be empowered to step outside what we are taught and be honest about how we truly feel.

the great music debate...

I love music. All kinds of music. It holds memories for me like no other media and I rely on it show the passage of time how others might look at magazines or newspaper articles. Today has been a day to reflect upon songs that have meant a great deal to me in the past and to look to those that might provide hope or guidance in the future.

I am reprimanded for listening to melancholy music. I do not consciously seek it out, but, it does seem to populate my library record and my play lists. I like the feeling of sinking into someone else's outcry when it echoes my own. My personal music policeman likes to remind me that I need no other reasons to be sad and is a great lobbyist for the consumption of pop music. I embrace this genre, but, when I am down, I love a good song about loss or love or loss of love. I declare the following song to be a good compromise. It is a folk song about the trials of life, but, it has a a theme of hope and love.


SHOW THE WAY (by David Wilcox)

You say you see no hope, you say you see no reason
We should dream that the world would ever change
You're saying love is foolish to believe
'Cause there'll always be some crazy with an Army or a Knife
To wake you from your day dream, put the fear back in your life...

Look, if someone wrote a play just to glorify
What's stronger than hate, would they not arrange the stage
To look as if the hero came too late he's almost in defeat
It's looking like the Evil side will win, so on the Edge
Of every seat, from the moment that the whole thing begins
It is...

Chorus:
Love who makes the mortar
And it's love who stacked these stones
And it's love who made the stage here
Although it looks like we're alone
In this scene set in shadows
Like the night is here to stay
There is evil cast around us
But it's love that wrote the play...
For in this darkness love can show the way

So now the stage is set. Feel you own heart beating
In your chest. This life's not over yet.
so we get up on our feet and do our best. We play against the
Fear. We play against the reasons not to try
We're playing for the tears burning in the happy angel's eyes
For it's...

525, 600 minutes...

I have a thing for dates. I remember the exact date when things happen, celebrate weird anniversaries and have a calendar that is 4 feet wide and 3 feet tall on my bedroom wall.

I tell you this to explain why I will sometimes be fixated on what this date, day, or time in my life was in a past year(s). Today is one such instance...

Last year on this Wednesday in November, I had an dense fog surrounding my thoughts and actions. I was preparing to celebrate a Thanksgiving of firsts; first time celebrating in Los Angeles with Scott's mom, her first time cooking turkey in her vegeterian household, and my first Thanksgiving without my dad. The first two things I was looking forward to and the last one I was scared of. I also would be observing what would have been his 50th birthday without him the same weekend.

In preparation, I was glad that I would be attending what I affectionately refer to as "sad camp" to speak with others who had either weathered these hard times before or who would be experiencing them with me for the first time. I remember how glad I was to have an adventure to look forward to and how worried I was to break down in front of Scott's family (which I did, inevitably).

This year I am living with a clearer vision but a bit more dread. I want to be excited for the holiday. This will be what I work on as I go to "sad camp" this evening. I miss my dad, today. I guess the more truthful statement would be "I miss my dad everyday."

selling yourself over the phone...

I have never been one to instinctively sell myself. I do not enjoy the proverbial "tooting of my own horn" and have actually been told this is something that has held me back in former jobs.

Today I had a phone interview for a job I would really like to have. This is a big deal for many reasons:

1) I had an interview. That requires contact from a prospective employer after receiving my resume and cover letter and, my friends, that does not happen. Ever.
2) It was over the phone and I was unable to use any eye contact, body language or a well thought wardrobe choice to introduce myself.
3) I have not found a position that I really would like to have (save the job at Nordstrom in which I really wanted the discount more than the job) and have spent lots of time telling people how great I would be for a job that I really would just settle for.
4) I realized that I have become quite a proficient horn tooter. I feel that I presented a good, honest, and even complimentary picture of myself.

I will know by Thursday if I get to move on in the hiring process. Here's to quick responses, personal growth and hopefully having a job that will allow me to go home for Christmas.

the unemployed times...

In the past few (unemployed) months, I have thought that I should start a blog. I have learned that there are few (especially free) things that you can give excuse for not doing when you do not work...my house should be immaculate, I should be in the best shape of my life and I should be a wizard at personal communication. Let us just say that I have room for improvement. In all areas.

While speaking to a fellow "pretirement" friend this evening, I decided that maybe I can use this format to educate people on the feelings of the unemployed. I could let people know that searching for that "window God opened up when he closed the door that was my career" is not the easiest, nor most entertaining thing I have ever embarked upon. I can also use this space to flesh out any ideas I have at 1:00pm when everyone else, EST and PST, is working.

I have a feeling that I may just add to the things that I should be able to get done. We shall see.