For my follow up piece, I consulted with a close friend and co-griever on what was helpful to hear in our time of loss. She was very specific on how we should not dwell on the bad things we heard but should pass on anything that may be helpful. Here are some of the things we thought of.
*I do not know what to say. Completely valid. Your being honest about how totally shocked and ill prepared for this situation only validates us feeling the same way.
*I cannot imagine how you are feeling. I would not want you to feel this way and I hope that you never have an idea how incredibly painful this is. I do, however, appreciate that you did not manufacture an empathy that is not there.
*I remember (insert happy/sad/silly/insignificant memory). Hearing stories we have never heard or just reliving good times is a great distraction and makes us recall happy times.
*However you feel right now is the right way. You never know what emotion might hit you in the face and it is a relief to know that those around you will be accepting of you, regardless.
*I miss them, too. I was always afraid to bring up the fact that someone had died until I was faced with it on a daily basis. Bringing up the death is not a reminder (we always know they are gone) and showing that you loved and miss them just makes it more ok that we do, too.
I am sure of two things. 1)There are several more that could be added (feel free to comment them if you feel strongly), and, 2)Everyone is helped by different things (my disclaimer in case these are offensive).
I feel such thanks and love for the people in my life who have and who continue to reach out to me in times of need or in times of fun (and settler's defeat).
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