mmm, what you say...

Mmm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.

First of all, I actually liked the Imogen Heap version of this song before it was so sadly mixed into a song that I hate, but, that is a rant for another day...

The real purpose of writing today is to get out frustrations while (hopefully) helping others. I was having a conversation with a friend who had recently experienced a unexpected death. We were commiserating about the "script" that people read off of when something like this happens. In response to that conversation, I would like to post a list of things not to say to people who are mourning the death of a loved one. I unfortunately cannot provide the right words, but, I will put some options that have helped me in the next post.

*I'm sorry is usually understood. We do not assume that you would be talking to us if you were excited about the tragic events. (this is the less offensive of the following phrases, so, if you need a fallback...)

*I understand how you must be feeling. First of all, in all my experiences, I have met no one who feels the same way when they lose someone. The "must" in this sentence is also an issue because it seems to say that we are required to feel a certain way. It is enough to grapple with that much emotion without having to select the right one.

*Your (insert loved one) would want/feel (insert comment). We are missing this person so much. We worry that we have let them down at some point. Please do not make us wonder, even more so, if we are letting them down in the afterlife.

*You should be rejoicing. Please leave this to Annelle in Steel Magnolias. At least that response warranted a Golden Globe nomination for Sally Field.

*It will get better. I am sure that I will feel better at some point, but my family member/friend will still be gone. That is not changing. Ever.

I can admit to using all of these statements and, will probably, say them yet again because they seem to be the programmed response, but I will be upset with myself. I do really appreciate the love that people have shown to me over the past couple of years and am not pointing these things out to show shortcomings. I want people to be empowered to step outside what we are taught and be honest about how we truly feel.